the boy has to ask the girl to dance
2009
If I kept a tally of all the advice I get from my girls, the #1 most-advised thing to do would have to be this: “Just ask him ____”. As in, just ask him out. Or just ask him for his number. Or just ask him how he feels. To which my reply is invariably [...]
If I kept a tally of all the advice I get from my girls, the #1 most-advised thing to do would have to be this: “Just ask him ____”. As in, just ask him out. Or just ask him for his number. Or just ask him how he feels. To which my reply is invariably a big hysterical “I can’t do THAT!”
See for all my big talk, I’m really a just chickensh*t at heart. Especially when it comes to men. Although I’m not at all afraid to speak my mind and be who I am, there is one version of myself that I’m not really comfortable being and that is the move-maker. The one who asks for a number, makes the first call, asks out on a date, or initiates sex. The thought of doing those things makes me nervous as hell and, truth be told, I don’t really think I should have to.
Now I should interject here to point out that what I’m referring to in this post is the first move, not every move. Yes I will pick up the phone and call a man with whom I am in a relationship; and please believe I will jump on him the minute he walks through the door if I’m so inclined. But when things are new, I don’t make moves, I receive them.
Why, you ask? Well two reasons. One is that I think making moves is for homely girls. And I don’t mean that to be as ignorant as it sounds; all I really mean is, s/he who is on the lower rung of the ladder has to do more work. The other reason is simply that I truly believe, with all my heart, that making moves is the man’s job.
Now I know that that’s supposedly unfair. And that it’s not any easier for men to make moves than it is for women. And believe me I’m well aware that women can be harsh in their rejections…especially here in the dot. But still, it’s just such a manly thing to do, isn’t it? Isn’t it just the sexiest thing in the world when a man confidently steps to you and unabashedly expresses his interest? Why on earth would I want to deprive myself of the singular joy of that experience?
I just can’t get over the idea that making moves is kind of a thirsty thing for a woman to do. And in my experience, when a woman does it, the delicate balance of power between man and woman is instantly (and sometimes irrevocably) altered. Just as some stupid men make the argument that a woman who is too independent robs him of his manhood, I think that a woman who does the majority of the initiating robs the man of the chase. And we all know how important the chase is for the man. For a woman, making the first move establishes the precedent that you will do the majority of the work to keep the relationship progressing, and who the hell wants to be saddled with that responsibility?
Somewhere someone is reading this and saying “But what if he’s shy? What if he’s intimidated by you? What if he’s not sure you’re interested?”. Yeah, that doesn’t move me at all. Shyness is a huge turnoff for me. I think it’s very un-manly. And any experience I’ve ever had with a man who was shy ultimately ended up being very unpleasant. So I think of shyness as nature’s weeding-out process. If I refuse to make a move on a man who is interested in me but is too shy to say so, he’s probably not the one for me anyway and I’ve saved both of us a lot of time by just allowing him to keep it moving.
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Good post Max. I'll have to agree with you, but I do understand that always being the initiator can be tiresome. Sometimes I think God puts me in situations to teach me a lesson. And that lesson is that I have to share some of that “initiating” responsibility. So as I continue on this long, hard road we call life I think it's something that both sexes should share in. Now its just knowing when the right time is so you don't go trampling over egos. You know?
i pretty much agree completely with you on this one. i think, for the most part, men like to be the men (pursuers) and women like to be women (the pursued).
i am, however, the girl who tells my friends to just call/ask/talk to him. and will even do so myself when i see fit but my thing is this….if you really really really have the urge to call or make a little move, either because the guy is moving too slow or is oblivious, do it once and only once (this could kinda cross over into the chasing debate). but put it out there and make your intentions or interest known. but then it's up to him to respond and get the ball rolling. if he doesn't, you move on. (ie: no stalking)
the older you get, the less time you need to spend waiting by the phone. sometimes you have to give things a little push for them happen….or at least give the universe a sign that you're open to things happening.
well maxie you know my (new) position on this: a man who doesn't make the first move is a panty meat
but i agree with breakfast dessert…if you do put it out there and let it be known that you're interested only do it once then the rest is up to him and of course if he still doesn't do anything then he's a STINKIN' panty meat
Breakfast Dessert dropping science again! I think if a woman is going to initiate, it has to be the exception, not the rule. After she makes it clear she's interested she has to flip the script and return him to his confused state otherwise the whole thing blows up in her face.
Or maybe I've just been reading too many of those self-help books
and no one wants a panty meat!
Let me say this. Initiating anything is a function of two things: confidence and opportunity. Allow me amend that to three things, the third of which is timing.
Confidence to me shows strength of character which isn't necessarily good or bad, just strong. And I like that. I find it sexy and just an over all desireable quality in any individual, man or woman.
Alot of times opportuity or the lack there of will impact on someones desire to initiate something. Opportunity is also subject to perception. What I may perceive to be an opportune moment may seem the contrary to someone else…
The last point is timing. Very important when it comes to strategy and gamesmanship. Consider this. You meet a girl you find her attractive. Do you approach her right away or do you wait. If you have sufficient game go ahead because you will most likely be adept in maneuvering out of tricky situations. Approaching her right away puts her in a stronger position because she will know that you really want this. Make her wait and she is less sure and therefore in less of a position of strength.
Remember every relationship has a dominant and a submissive. That position may vary back and forth but if you want things to develop in a matter that is favourable to you try to have the dominant hand but beware of the manipulator! They do their best work from the submissive position.
ummmm is this WWD dude maxfab's alter ego?