the boy has to ask the girl to dance
If I kept a tally of all the advice I get from my girls, the #1 most-advised thing to do would have to be this: “Just ask him ____”. As in, just ask him out. Or just ask him for his number. Or just ask him how he feels. To which my reply is invariably [...]
If I kept a tally of all the advice I get from my girls, the #1 most-advised thing to do would have to be this: “Just ask him ____”. As in, just ask him out. Or just ask him for his number. Or just ask him how he feels. To which my reply is invariably a big hysterical “I can’t do THAT!”
See for all my big talk, I’m really a just chickensh*t at heart. Especially when it comes to men. Although I’m not at all afraid to speak my mind and be who I am, there is one version of myself that I’m not really comfortable being and that is the move-maker. The one who asks for a number, makes the first call, asks out on a date, or initiates sex. The thought of doing those things makes me nervous as hell and, truth be told, I don’t really think I should have to.
Now I should interject here to point out that what I’m referring to in this post is the first move, not every move. Yes I will pick up the phone and call a man with whom I am in a relationship; and please believe I will jump on him the minute he walks through the door if I’m so inclined. But when things are new, I don’t make moves, I receive them.
Why, you ask? Well two reasons. One is that I think making moves is for homely girls. And I don’t mean that to be as ignorant as it sounds; all I really mean is, s/he who is on the lower rung of the ladder has to do more work. The other reason is simply that I truly believe, with all my heart, that making moves is the man’s job.
Now I know that that’s supposedly unfair. And that it’s not any easier for men to make moves than it is for women. And believe me I’m well aware that women can be harsh in their rejections…especially here in the dot. But still, it’s just such a manly thing to do, isn’t it? Isn’t it just the sexiest thing in the world when a man confidently steps to you and unabashedly expresses his interest? Why on earth would I want to deprive myself of the singular joy of that experience?
I just can’t get over the idea that making moves is kind of a thirsty thing for a woman to do. And in my experience, when a woman does it, the delicate balance of power between man and woman is instantly (and sometimes irrevocably) altered. Just as some stupid men make the argument that a woman who is too independent robs him of his manhood, I think that a woman who does the majority of the initiating robs the man of the chase. And we all know how important the chase is for the man. For a woman, making the first move establishes the precedent that you will do the majority of the work to keep the relationship progressing, and who the hell wants to be saddled with that responsibility?
Somewhere someone is reading this and saying “But what if he’s shy? What if he’s intimidated by you? What if he’s not sure you’re interested?”. Yeah, that doesn’t move me at all. Shyness is a huge turnoff for me. I think it’s very un-manly. And any experience I’ve ever had with a man who was shy ultimately ended up being very unpleasant. So I think of shyness as nature’s weeding-out process. If I refuse to make a move on a man who is interested in me but is too shy to say so, he’s probably not the one for me anyway and I’ve saved both of us a lot of time by just allowing him to keep it moving.