WARNING: the content of this post is based on a self-evident truth that as a woman i'm supposed to pretend not to notice...my own attractiveness. i think false modesty is one of the stupidest inventions ever but if you're a proponent of it, you might wanna skip this post.

i read this in a book this morning:

"Beauty is all mathematics. You inherit the right nose, right shape of face, right this, right that, then, as long as you don't have an industrial accident, you look good".

that pretty much sums up my feeling on the subject of beauty, except i would add to the end of that "...but it doesn't mean anything".

one of my favourite sayings is, "pretty and $2.75 will get you on the bus". and i read an article about beyonce once in which she said that she thought her beauty was a liability professionally...she has to fight harder to prove that she's talented and works hard because people automatically assume she's gotten to where she is because of her looks.

i totally agree with that. not that i'm as attractive as beyonce or as accomplished as she, but i definitely think that being thin and pretty is an obstacle to overcome at times...with men, who assume i'm some delicate flower that can't think for myself or look after myself, with coworkers who think i'm stupid because i get excited about nail polish, and certainly with other women, who think i'm stuck up, say mean things, and generally don't want to know me until i say something sufficiently self-deprecating to show that i find fault with myself; which i don't really.

i remember once getting ready to go somewhere with a group of girlfriends and each one of them was complaining about something, too-big boobs, too-fat ass, too-short hair, whatever. eventually it came to be "my turn" and as everyone looked at me expectantly i just smiled sheepishly and said "sorry. i don't have anything to complain about. i like the way i look." to which their response was absolute dead silence.
did i say something wrong?

don't misunderstand me: i certainly don't think i'm a supermodel. like everyone else, i have my share of issues. but in general i'm really happy with the way i look. yes i do look like a train wreck when i'm at home, but if i spend 40 minutes getting ready to go out, when i'm done and i look in the mirror most times i say "holy shit i look amazing".
why is that a crime?

in fairness to myself, let me give you some history. i was a homely - and chubby - teenager. i grew up in london ontario surrounded by thin, athletic white girls with long straight hair. i got no love and i thought it was because i was ugly. okay okay let me be real: i kinda was.
don't believe me? check it out:



that's me at my sweet sixteen. a hot mess.

some time after this picture was taken, i took inventory of myself and made a list of what i needed to do to make myself pretty...i don't remember the whole list, but it was things like get my eyebrows shaped, straighten my hair, lose weight, shit like that. and then slowly but surely i did all those things. it took a while and some things cost far more than they were worth, but now i feel like i've earned the right to acknowledge my attractiveness, because i worked so effing hard for it.
plus how much of a letdown would it be if after all that i still complained about my looks?

i learned two major lessons from that exercise: first, that how i feel when i look in the mirror has a lot more to do with my thoughts than with my appearance. and second, that at the end of the day being pretty really doesn't mean shit if you have nothing behind it.

and that's my two cents. actually i have a lot more to say on the subject but my breakfast is calling. maybe i'll write a part 2...if three people comment on this post.